Conversing Sisters: Step 12, We're Caring This Message

Lisa & me, circa 2009

This post is part of a series of writings I did with my sister Lisa, in 2012. Our thoughts and perspectives reflect a moment in time. They may or may not have changed in the passing years.

Step 12: "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all of our affairs."

Lisa's Thoughts  

Step 12 is the reason that AA remains available to all who seek to recover from a hopeless state of mind, spirit and body. This step is crucial in recovery and in life, in general. It is often said that you cannot keep what you aren’t willing to give away. When I first came into AA, I felt intimidated by this step and didn’t realize, even at one day sober, I had something to offer the person who was still drunk. Regardless of how much sobriety someone has, everyone is capable of reaching out and offering service.

Service work kept me sober in the beginning. I jumped into AA with both feet and spent the majority of my time working with others, making coffee, chairing meetings and giving people rides to and from meetings. I had no idea why I was doing it at the time, except my sponsor highly suggested it. However, over time, I realized the internal rewards that come with being of service.

Some of the most powerful moments I have had in AA are when I have had the opportunity to sit down with a woman and take her through these steps as I was taken through them. I am often amazed and baffled at what I learn about myself and the gifts that come into my life as a result of taking a few minutes and sharing what another woman gave to me so freely.

I have spent many nights in emergency rooms, hotel rooms and strange living rooms attempting to carry the message of AA. At times, I can tell you, I felt as though I was wasting my time or would be discouraged when I would spend countless hours with someone to have them drink again. What I learned during that process was it didn’t matter what anyone did with what I offered them. The gift, in all of it, was that I stayed sober even if they didn’t.

This step also allowed me to begin the process of rigorous honesty. I came into AA with so many secrets, secrets I was determined to die with. However, when women stood up in meetings and opened their hearts about neglecting their children and committing adultery, it gave me the courage to open up about my story and what was keeping me hostage from life. I realized that I truly am not alone in my alcoholism and the many behaviors that come from that.

It is due to the women who come before me and who have been willing to spend their time, energy, and resources on me that I am able to offer anything in return. 

Paying it forward is what AA is all about. I love the unity and joy that are found in the rooms. There is absolutely an energy that can’t be explained in words.

Liz’s Response 

Reader, I couldn't find my response to this post from 2012.

Liz's Thoughts  

This step echoes of my journey from domestic violence victim, to domestic violence survivor, to domestic violence advocate. The last interaction I had with my ex-husband culminated into an act of physical violence as he attempted to break down the door of my apartment. The next morning, I was sitting in the domestic violence assistance center at the Matheson Courthouse in Salt Lake City, Utah. Within a few hours, I was given a protective order, training on how to keep myself safe and a victim’s advocate - all free of charge.

I was amazed at how smoothly the process went and the resources that were readily available to me. As I was sitting in the waiting room for my paperwork to be finalized, I was overcome with gratitude. I knew that this system was in place and these resources were available to me because of the women who came before me – not all of them surviving the violence inflected by their domestic partner. At that moment, in that space, I made a vow to those women that I would from that day forward use my voice to bring light and awareness to the darkness and destructive realities of domestic violence.
 
I entered that courthouse a victim and left a survivor. It took me many years, a lot of personal awareness work, healing and counseling for me to transition from survivor to advocate. The key was finding my voice, trusting it and then using it.

The art I create, the words I write and the way I live my life are rooted in this vow.

After seeing my art or collaborating with me, individuals will disclose their experience with domestic violence and/or ask how they can get help. This is how I make a difference in the world. This is how I actively participate in life and become part of the global conversation.

Our stories matter. 

Our voices deserve to be heard.

Our experiences are uniquely our own. 

Reach out to another person and connecting to them with vulnerability and love changes ourselves, our families, and our communities. By standing in our truth and telling our stories, we are revolutionaries. 

Lisa's Response

Liz,

It has been so many years, sometimes, I forget where we have come from, especially in your situation. I believe true healing comes when we pay forward what happened to us in a positive way. I know that you, me and Laura have the ability through our voices to break the abuse cycle that seems to repeat itself in our family.

I am so proud of you and admire how far you have come. I know that whatever is in store for us next will be nothing short of amazing. God would not have it any other way! I love you!

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Conversing Sisters: Step 11, Improving Our Conscious Contact with God

Me & Lisa, Circa 1978

This post is part of a series of writings I did with my sister Lisa, in 2012. Our thoughts and perspectives reflect a moment in time. They may or may not have changed in the passing years.

Step 11: “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood him, praying only for the knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out.”

Lisa's Thoughts  

It has been my experience that the most important word in Step 11 is sought. My emotional and spiritual sobriety are completely dependent on seeking God, in any way possible. Step 11 allows me to keep an open mind, build a strong spiritual foundation and allow flexibility in my definition of God and how he works in my life.

The search to live honestly and to live a life of God is what keeps me alive and on my recovery journey today.

I find a deep amount of satisfaction in learning how God works in the lives of others and how he manifests himself in many different forms all over the world.

The power of prayer is unexplainable.

I have seen miracles happen when those around me are heavy in prayer, especially in times of great suffering. I am often amazed at how meditation can transform my way of thinking from Ego to Soul, almost instantaneously.

My favorite prayer, that relates well to Step 11, is the prayer of St. Francis. In his famous prayer, St. Francis asks God to make him a channel, to allow him to bring light to dark, love to hate, harmony to discord etc.  He also asks to understand than to be understood, to forgive than to be forgiven, for it is through dying that one awakens to eternal life. This prayer reminds me that if I am thinking of others than I am not thinking of myself and it is then that I am of the utmost service to my Creator.

In Step 1, we admitted we were powerless, asked to surrender and gave up fighting anyone or anything. In Step 11, we are given back all of our power and more through God - what he is able to do through us.

His will for us and the power to carry that out, I often repeat this over and over again in my head because I have a difficult time discerning God’s will from my will.

However, I do know that if I remain teachable, open, and remember that God is everything, or He is nothing, than I am usually aligned with what He would have me do for the most part. I find that God speaks to me in the most unusual ways.

Meditation allows me to quiet my mind enough to hear what it is he would have me be, but it is after I have begun my day that God begins to speak, usually through other people and in the most unexpected places.

God has answered my prayers through the cashier at the grocery store, my children, my siblings, newcomers sharing in a meeting, bumper stickers and billboards. When I am connected and my eyes are truly open, I see God’s messages everywhere in everything. I am overwhelmed and filled with the love of the spirit.

My days are full of joy and peace regardless of what is going on around me. This is the blessing in working Step 11, however, it takes work!

I remember telling my very first sponsee that if I wanted to stay “spiritually high,” so to speak, then I had to chase God with the same determination and consistency that I chased my bottle.

I never stayed drunk off of one drink for several days. I had to continue drinking to stay drunk. So, it only makes sense that in order to feel the sunlight of the spirit I have to continue to immerse myself in it on a constant basis or I am no longer drunk on God’s love and immense feelings of gratitude and hope for my life.

Step 11 is the one step that I have never stopped working throughout the duration of my recovery journey. My relationship with God, today, is the most important relationship in my life. This allows me the freedom of living in my truth and living, comfortably, in my own skin. It affords me the opportunity to fail and see the blessings and the lessons, rather than be overwhelmed with guilt and shame. It has, also, given me the ability to see God in everyone that crosses my path and assists me in remaining in a state of compassion and love for all of God's children.  

I have learned so much about different religions, spiritual teachers, sages and theories by being open to working this step in my daily life. The rewards have been abundant and I truly feel fortunate for knowing I have this precious tool to keep me moving forward each and every day.

Liz’s Response 

Lisa,

One of the reasons I wanted to do this project is to see where are thinking was similar and where it differed. We both believe in spiritual growth and progression and yet our belief in God is so different. I find it fascinating.

You speak as a traveler searching for a precious artifact. You find pieces of it here and there that give you comfort, understanding, and fortitude to continue on your quest.

I’m so glad we are doing this!  Love you.

Liz's Thoughts  

John Gottman is considered to be one of this country’s foremost marriage and family therapists.  His research on relationship dynamics has covered hundreds of thousands of couples – basically this guy knows what he’s talking about.

Gottman has discovered that what makes a relationship work is the willingness to turn towards each other, to choose connection over disconnection. Particularly, in difficult moments when individuals are feeling vulnerable.

He teaches that it matters less how couples fight, how often they fight, and what they fight about, but rather how they behave after the altercation. Do they go off by themselves and lick their wounds? Do they reach out to someone else for comfort? Or do they reach out to their partner and offer connection? Gottman’s research shows that those couples who chose to turn back to each other have a stronger relationship than those who turned elsewhere.

I believe that this principle applies to step 11. I interpret this step to be making a commitment to continually choose to turn to God, to share all aspects of our lives and experiences with Him, thereby maintain a strong relationship with Him wherein we can receive His guidance and follow His counsel.

If turning toward someone works to strengthen relationships with our partners it most certainly will work in our relationship with God.

In his book Promptings or Just Me?, Kevin Hinckley talks about the mode of prayer and how it is so easy for us to get stuck in a personal repetitive prayers. Prayers that become checklists (ie, give thanks, ask for blessings, care for loved ones etc.) do not further connection with God. He illustrates this principle by talking about how he would be more concerned with asking the Lord to bless everyone including Aunt Irma than about actually sharing with the Lord the things that were on his heart.

Praying for our loved ones is a beautiful and charitable thing but when we do it as a matter of business and a way of avoiding, even subconsciously, exposing ourselves to the Lord there is a problem.

It’s also silly because the Lord knows all. He knows that while we are talking about Aunt Irma we are really thinking about the fight we had with our mother, or our hope that an encounter will develop into a romance, or that we won’t get laid off. He knows these things. The only person we are hiding from is ourselves.

So much of our behavior is a way of avoiding exposing ourselves to our self, and we wonder why we can’t be vulnerable to God and other people. We cannot give to others what we are unable to give to ourselves. God works in the sacred circle. If we are willing to turn towards him, he will bring us back to ourselves.

Lisa's Response

Liz,

LOL!

I love the checklist prayer and how often I get into that same routine.. Even today when I am feeling lazy!!!

I enjoyed this essay and enjoyed your feedback. Yes, for me God is a constant, but in my mind, God is not something that is fixed and we already know everything about Him. I believe we know little of what God is, what He truly is capable of, and that is where the “seeking” in my life is important.

I find my most difficult times in life are when I believe I know everything or I know God’s plan for anyone…I believe that the only place God exists is in the NOW and because that is always changing he is constant in that, but what we are able to see of him reveals itself like peeling back the layers of an artichoke, so to speak.

I only believe we as humans have touched the surface of God and all of the amazement, joy, love and wonder that comes from that source-if that makes any sense!

Love you!!

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Conversing Sisters: Step 9, Making Our Amends

Me & Lisa on Halloween, circa 2012

This post is part of a series of writings I did with my sister Lisa, in 2012. Our thoughts and perspectives reflect a moment in time. They may or may not have changed in the passing years.

Step 9: "Made direct amends to such people, whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

Lisa's Thoughts  

Step 9 has had absolutely the greatest effect on my relationships, more than any of the other steps. The other steps primarily focus inward and on myself, whereas this step’s actions includes others. I was extremely relieved when I learned how to make a true amends.

My idea of an amends, previous to this step, was a detailed I’m sorry, followed by begging for forgiveness. This is how I usually tried to right my wrongs in the past. Through working this step, I learned that an amends is so much more than an I am sorry. Honestly, by the time I made it to Alcoholics Anonymous, most of the people in my life didn’t even want to hear it anymore.

Powerful moments have come to pass simply through working this step.

Making a direct amends is a thought out process. It is worked very closely with a sponsor, usually because alcoholics only want to talk about themselves or blame someone else for their shortcomings. A sponsor can assist in keeping the focus on the alcoholic’s part and open the opportunity to the lessons and the blessings that come with total accountability.

I remember rewriting several of my first amends because I would have written out a shortcoming and then follow it up with, “I reacted that way because you…” or “I didn’t feel accepted by you...” etc.

 AA doesn’t have very many no no’s. However, some of the unsaid no no’s are: you don't take someone else’s inventory; own your side of the street but include theirs as well; or offer an excuse for why you made any given decision. This was difficult for me at first because I felt that people, like my father, should know why I acted the way I did. In the beginning, I truly believed it was because of how he raised me.

What I learned in this step is...I always had a choice, my side of the street was my side of the street and my choices were my choices.

I may have been helpless as a child, but I couldn’t blame anyone for anything I created as an adult, even if I had some belief that the continued behavior was due to some wrong of someone else when I was a child.

An amends is always followed up with a willingness to take action to make it right. 

I found that many of the people I made an amends to didn’t want anything back from me; they just wanted me to stay sober and live a happy and peaceful life. It often amazed me how people would respond in kindness all because of my willingness to make it right and stand accountable for my part.

So many relationships in my life have healed because of my continued work with Step 9. Step 9 even comes with a set of promises that are absolutely true,

There are people, on my first Step 9, who have not yet crossed my path, and I have not had the opportunity to make an amends as of yet. It is beautiful how the universe works though, every now and then someone will be at the grocery store or gas station. I get to make an amends in the most random places. The universe always responds to my willingness, and I know in time I will be able to make them as needed.

Also, there are several people on my Step 9 that my amends is never truly finished. These people include God, myself, my parents, my siblings and especially my little children. Today, I make a living amends to them every day. A living amends is a committed action to behave differently and to remain open and teachable to a new way of life. It's a genuine level of humility to these people that you will do whatever it takes to keep moving forward and to give every part of you in love and light.

My family has healed me one day at a time. They were the people I was convinced had caused me so much pain and suffering and yet they are the ones, today, who stand behind me no matter what. It is simply amazing how much I have been blessed with the family I have, and as one of my beautiful sisters passed on to me, “...no matter what it takes, we ride home together.”

Liz’s Response 

Lisa,

We do ride home together!!!

I think that if we all could chose to making a living amends to the people in our tribe, so much healing could occur. Today, I’m choosing to make a living amends to my intimates. Oh, I do love step 9. It's promise is so powerful. I particularly love, “As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone.” I couldn’t agree more.

In fact, now being on the other side of the repentance process, I can say that once I chose to take responsibility for my actions and make an amends I could stand tall on my own feet for the first time in years.

Another paradox: Avoiding the things we fear the most crushes us; owning them liberates us.

Love you!

Liz's Thoughts  

I was familiar with step 9 before starting this project. In fact, a few years ago it helped bring awareness, reconciliation and healing into my life.

In 2010, someone I was very close to betrayed me - let’s call her “Jane.” Initially, I was shocked, hurt and even angry. After the initial heightened emotions waned, I told Jane that I forgave her and asked her to never do it again. She didn’t honor my wishes. Jane continued with the hurtful behavior. Because this behavior was potentially damaging to my life, I severed the relationship.

By now, Lisa had been active in AA and was educating our family about addiction. She gave us language to use and resources to help the healing process. Jane was in active addiction. Lisa invited Jane to attend meetings with her and she accepted. Shortly, thereafter, I mentioned to Lisa that maybe I should consider reconciling with Jane. Lisa suggested that I hold off. She believed that Jane needed more time in recovery before that conversation would be beneficial for either of us. That is when Lisa told me about step 9.

I liked this step 9.  It allowed me to justify holding on to my resentment towards Jane. She was the one in the wrong, therefore she was the one who had to make the amends. Until she did, I could sit back and stew in my justification.

Thankfully, I eventually realized that in my resentment I wasn’t anymore prepared for a step 9 conversation than Jane was.

I immediately felt humbled.

I had to decide what I wanted more – to hold onto my pride and pain or to lay the foundation for reconciliation. Laying the foundation would require me to make “a searching and fearless moral inventory of [myself].” Jane had long since stopped the hurtful behavior. So, I begin the process of forgiveness in hopes that when she was ready to make an amends I would be ready to accept her offering sincerely with love and compassion.

Eventually, Jane did reach out to me to make an amends. Our reconciliation was difficult, awkward, and uncomfortable, but we leaned into the discomfort and came through the other side stronger and closer.

Lisa's Response

Liz,

These steps have so much power in so many lives. I have often heard in the rooms of AA that there are millions of members worldwide and just as many people who have been touched by the steps in one way or another.

I like how you pointed out that there is a process that is necessary prior to working Step 9. I absolutely know that this is because an amends requires committed action. Most people are not ready to do anything differently until the time to heal has passed for both people.

I love you!  

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Conversing Sisters: Step 3, Turning Our Will

Lisa & Me, circa 1991

This post is part of a series of writings I did with my sister Lisa, in 2012. Our thoughts and perspectives reflect a moment in time. They may or may not have changed in the passing years.

Step 3: “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”

Lisa's Thoughts  

When I think of step 3 the first thing that comes to mind is making a decision. It sounds so simple to just make a decision and stick to it, yet I find this to be one of the hardest and most complicated aspects of my life and my sobriety. It requires a great amount of faith and trust to blindly turn my entire life and my will over to something that I can’t physically sense. It has been a painful day today and here I am finally making a decision to truly let go of someone who was never mine to begin with. I struggle with this and often am baffled by my ability to show up and suit up for the big things in my life, yet these little issues such as relationships and resentments shut me down. I was driving home this evening from an AA meeting and began to reflect on the past few years of my life. Twenty-Two months ago I shot the father of my unborn child in self-defense. A few short weeks later, I showed up to the hospital in labor with a 357 and a protective order in my diaper bag. Tinker Bell was the alias they listed me under and it was only safe to have a few people by my side, one being my sponsor in AA. I refused all pain medication so that I could be of sound mind and be able to leave or move in a hurry if needed. My physical pain was excruciating, my heart was completely broken, and I was taken to places physically and emotionally that I didn’t even know existed. I remember breathing and closing my eyes. I saw myself as a little girl in the arms of my Father in Heaven. He was holding me and it was almost as if I left my body and became a witness to the events below. My daughter, Lilly, was born within a few moments. She was alive and safe and I had no idea how I brought her into this world under the current circumstances. Looking back on that whole situation, I see without a doubt that I allowed God to take over. It was only divine timing that I even had a gun in my home the day mine and my unborn child’s life were in danger. Only God could bring her here and allow me the strength to endure the physical and emotional pain. I stayed sober through all of that without doubt or fear. Yet I can’t seem to move through rejection. I repeat over and over again in my head - rejection is God’s way of saying wrong direction. This statement helps remind me that I made a decision some time ago that God is either everything or he is nothing. I have to believe that the only free agency I have today or choice, so to speak, is whether or not I connect each and every day.

I love the metaphor of electricity that is often used. When I wake up, I flip the light switch to see through the darkness - this is something I never question. My reliance upon electricity allows me freedom in living my everyday life. I have to place this same reliance on God without question and the more I depend on him, the more freedom I have to live my everyday life. It is one in the same. It is when I doubt that I lose my way. It’s when I stand in front of the light switch attempting to make a decision to turn it on or not. The more I learn, the less I know. When I feel like I have it all figured out, my foundation crumbles and I am left with humility which leads to pain. Pain then motivates me to become willing to turn it all over and trust. I often forget the moments that God has gotten me ahead of danger, or has placed me in situation where I have been healed, or have been in service to help another. I am running low on faith and gasoline today and it helps to write all this down on paper in an attempt to clean this eroded connection to God. I don’t always like reality, especially sobriety reality. Life on life’s terms is never my favorite.

God usually doesn't give me what I want, but he always gives me what I need. It turns out that in most situations it was what I wanted all along, and I just didn't know it.

God speaks to me through His children, if and when I make a decision to listen and seek, rather than teach and talk, about all the things I think I know.

Liz’s Response 

Lisa,

Your voice is strong. Your story is relevant. This essay is further confirmation that you must stand in your truth and tell your story for the benefit of our brothers & sisters trying to make their way through this Earth school.

You inspire me every day!

I thank God that in His infinite wisdom He allowed for us to be sisters - that I have you to go through this journey of mortality with. It has made all the difference. Love you!!  

Liz's Thoughts  

The act of making a choice is the genesis of all creation. Once the decision is made intention, energy and faith move toward what has been decided. Nurturing it to grow. Therefore, before any action can be taken a decision must be made. The decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God is to endeavor to give of myself to Him entirely. Can I give to God as liberally has He gives to me? To all of His children?

I struggle with turning my life and will to the care of God. What if He doesn’t give me what I want? What if I’m resigning myself to Job’s existence, the biblical version of a country western song? Sometimes I foolishly think that if I don’t turn something over to God or talk with Him about it, then I can ensure that the outcome of things will be in my favor. My rational mind understands the ridiculousness of the perspective and yet I still think it.  Experientially, I have learned that when I do turn things over to God’s care that there is always wisdom, love and support. Oprah Winfrey teaches that God can dream a bigger dream for us than we can dream for ourselves.  I know this to be true. Therefore, I must, repeatedly decide to turn my will and my life over to God’s care. Sometime multiple times in one day.

Recently, I was pondering my fear that if I truly dedicate my life to God that He will then choose a Job-like existence for me.  I realized that Job’s life looked the way it did because he covenanted with God for it to be so. The magnitude at which he suffered was agreed upon before it occurred.  This gave me great comfort. For, I have not nor do I intend to enter into such a covenant.

At the beginning of 2011, I decided to make further covenants with God. This required me to do a spiritual cleansing and enter into a year-long repentance process. Never before had I been so committed to my spiritual growth. One of the most valuable lessons I learned during that time was what an expert teacher humility is. A friend of mine says that when we humble ourselves the truth is illuminated. Once I was sufficiently humble, which was a feat in and of itself, I could feel and clearly see what was possible through God’s loving hands. It did not at all look like Job’s existence but uniquely my own. Yes, there would be pain and heartache but there would also be joy and fulfillment. Through all of these experiences, I would learn how to live to the fullest measure of my creation.

Lisa's Response

Liz,

I love that we, as humans, have the similar thinking patterns about God and talking to God, and that if we don’t discuss certain things with him then he won’t know about them.  It just goes to show that “normal” or “alcoholic” thinking errors occur just the same.

I also love that we all share the common fear of what God may have planned for us and that it may not be what we want or have in mind.

I love that you share that Oprah quote and have reminded myself of that over and over again especially over the past few weeks.

I love you and thank you again for sharing this with me.

Conversing Sisters: Step 1, We Were Powerless

Me & Lisa playing with the decorator house on Christmas morning, circa 1981ish

This post is part of a series of writings I did with my sister Lisa, in 2012. Our thoughts and perspectives reflect a moment in time. They may or may not have changed in the passing years.

Step 1: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Lisa's Thoughts  

There are so many blessings that come to mind when I think about Step 1. So many realizations and internal freedoms that took place when another woman, who suffered as I did, sat me down and worked this step with me. I had no idea, at that time, that by agreeing to take this first step, I was agreeing to begin an entirely different life. I remember that day. It was a cold day in February 2008. I had almost 60 days of sobriety. As I walked into this old broken down church to meet with this woman (my sponsor at the time), I remember feeling physically cold...internally cold as well.

I had been to a few AA meetings in this broke-down palace, as I like to call it. So, I was somewhat familiar with it and the people who sat outside sharing story after story in an effort to help one another. They were strangers, yet they had such love and compassion in their eyes. This concept of fellowship was foreign to me, and even though there were so many other people there who had similar stories, I remember still feeling so scared, and extremely empty, and alone.
As I walked in the door, there she was- her eyes full of light. Her energy had such deep warmth that when she greeted me with a hug her embraced warmed every inch of my soul and body. I remember thinking: How did she do that? Who is this woman and why is she so willing to help me? Her first words were, “Well, are you ready to begin the first day of the rest of your life?” I smiled shyly and said, “Well, I guess. I really don’t have any other choice do I?” We both laughed. She said softly, “Don’t worry, Honey, the only thing you have to change is everything.” I had no idea how true that statement would become as my sobriety path unfolded one day at a time. We read step one together out of the “Twelve and Twelve” which is a sister book to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. As she read, I began feeling complete surrender. The word “we” seemed to keep repeating and suddenly I didn’t feel so all alone. That one word “we” has taken on so many different meanings as I have worked the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous over and over again. “We” meant that I never had to be alone ever again. Regardless of what was happening in my life, that feeling of loneliness and self-pity would disappear just as the promises state in the Big Book. The admittance part of this step was huge for me. I had known for a long time something was wrong with me and the way I drank. However, up until that day, I had never had the courage to admit it to anyone, not even myself. I felt a level of freedom that day when I finally stood up and said,

“My name is Lisa and I am an alcoholic.”

It felt as though a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders and that I didn’t have to continue to live with this deep dark secret that had consumed all of me. I didn’t know exactly what would become of me after admitting that I was an alcoholic but I knew it had to be better than the life I had just walked away from. Since working this step, admittance is usually what sets me free in many situations in my everyday life: admitting that I was afraid to be a mother; admitting that I was angry at my Father for the way he treated me as a child; and that I was angry at my Mother for allowing and not intervening; admitting that I had married for all the wrong reasons; admitting that I have never felt good enough or comfortable in my own skin. There is such power in admitting. I learned there are many times in my life, that I am grateful, that I just have to begin with admitting. Then I can, eventually, move into accepting. I don’t have to take them both on all at the same time. “We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.” “Powerlessness.” Oh Goodness! My first thoughts about this were: What do you mean I am powerless? Have you met me? Don’t you know who I am or how important I am? I think I am pretty powerful and now you are asking me to take a look at defining myself as powerless?

On and on and on my thoughts went about powerlessness. I was pretty offended by it, in the beginning, to be honest. I had no idea that surrendering and admitting powerlessness would give me so much peace and serenity in my life and relationships. It was when I began looking at powerlessness that I realized many of the solutions to my life would usually come in complete paradoxes. The beauty in immersing myself in powerlessness helped me realize that not only was I powerless over alcohol and substances but, more importantly, I was powerless over people, places, and things. My whole life I have taken responsibility for everyone’s problems and shortcomings. It was always my fault and no one was ever thankful for my ability to take their problems on emotionally. I would spend all of my time and energy trying to fix everything or save everyone. It was when I began to understand this portion of this step that I realized just how co-dependent I really was. That if I “just let go” and “got out of the way” all of the people and situations, I believed I had control of and was responsible for, would work out just the way they were supposed to without my help.

My sponsor, at the time, helped me see that I was playing God and interfering with God’s business. If I was going to stay sober it was crucial that I leave God’s business to God, and mind my own business. It sounds hysterical to me now, but in the moment it didn’t seem so funny. There I was having a tantrum that I wasn’t God, and could no longer afford to act as if I were God. It was obvious to everyone, including myself, that externally my life was unmanageable! I had let go of my employment, my children, my family, my husband and many of my friendships, so that I could drink the way I wanted to, whenever I wanted to, without any interference. More importantly than my life being externally unmanageable was that the real chaos was going on inside. It baffled me that taking one drink, just one, had the power to cause this ripple effect of pain and suffering for not only myself, but also for everyone who cared about and loved me, and that I cared for and loved too. It was this horrific cycle of moments of sobriety and then quickly without any intention I would be drunk again. I can’t tell you how many mornings I woke up and promised myself I wouldn’t drink that day so I could show up for my responsibilities as a mother, an employee, a daughter, a friend, etc. Then I would come to somewhere in a strange place with strange people, honestly, not knowing how I got there or how much time had passed since I woke up and made that promise to myself. This cycle continued for a very long time. In the last nine months of my drinking career, my life had become so unmanageable that I was determined to die but didn’t have enough guts, so to speak, to put a gun in my mouth. So, I was on a mission to commit slow suicide through cocaine, meth, pills, alcohol, dangerous men or whatever else was available to put into my body that was life threatening. The thought of living an unmanageable life was too overwhelming and to think that I could NEVER drink again was something I just could not fathom. There were moments when the alcohol would wear off and I would begin to feel my actual feelings. The guilt and shame of the wreckage of the past would consume my heart, mind, body, and soul with an immense amount of pain. I honestly believed that it couldn’t be fixed or taken back. There was no way I could be forgiven for yesterday’s actions and the future seemed dark and hopeless. I was emotionally, spiritually, and physically bankrupt in every way...lost and blind without an ounce of strength to get back up and fight to live again. Step one taught me so many things. It helped me shift my perception just enough that I felt a tiny ray of hope after I had worked it with my sponsor that cold day in February so many years ago. She helped me see that I only had to worry about today. I would learn a few years later, when I worked this step again, that I really only need worry about this moment.

A connection to God only exists in the now. God doesn’t live in yesterday, tomorrow or today. He simply resides in the now. I have learned that “now” is the only place I can truly find, feel and hear Him. It is in the admitting, in the completely surrendering, that I have won my life back. I am truly grateful for this step and the immense power it has in my life today.

I alone am powerless.

We (God and all of His children) together are all powerful and can turn darkness into light, suffering into hope, doubt into faith, drunk into sober, hate into love, chaos into serenity, war into peace, and last but not least lost into found.

Liz’s Response 

Lisa, this is excellent! Well written with a clear narrative and strong point of view. I clearly heard your voice. It makes me feel like I need to step up my game. :-)

Liz's Thoughts  

I believe our power is something we have to give away. It cannot be taken from us. When we give our power to someone and/or something else we then become subjected to them/it.  I have seen this happen with substances in the lives of family members and friends. I’ve personally experienced the consequences of giving my power over to another person.

I was in an abusive relationship for ten years (eight of which we were married). I gave my power to my ex-husband, gradually.  At first it was my time and attention. I became intoxicated by him. I wanted to spend every minute together. I started skipping college classes, sleeping through my early morning classes because I had stayed up all night with him, cancelling plans with my friends, and slacking at my job. This behavior isn’t necessarily alarming and  is common human behavior when you start a new relationship. Generally, what happens though is people eventually find better ways of balancing their responsibilities and their relationship.

As our relationship continued to progress, in addition to my time and attention, I gave him my agency. I wouldn’t make a decision without discussing it with him first. I would do whatever he thought was best, even when I disagreed.

After a few years of this continual transfer of power, my life was no longer my own. Everything I did was for one purpose: to make him happy.  I wore what he wanted me to wear. I was friends with who he wanted to spent time with. I began to talk like him and think like him. I even ended relationships at his request – including my relationship with my parents.

My life was unmanageable because it was no longer mine.

It was his.

This began to erode my identity and my spirit. I became a shell of person. I was a desperate person doing desperate things in order to stay in a relationship that was destroying me.

I didn’t want to see this.

I would twist, justify, bend, deny, and avoid the truth so that it would allow me to keep the status quo.

All that changed when the truth demanded to be seen.

All the tricks I used before only led me back to the truth. The truth being: I was in an abusive relationship and needed to get out. Oprah Winfrey teaches the principle - you have to name it to claim it.

Once I acknowledged that I was powerless over my relationship and that my life had become unmanageable, I was able to start to see things for what they were. Once I acknowledge that, I started to reclaim my power and began the long journey to selfhood.

Lisa's Response

Liz-

I was extremely amazed how easy it was for you to understand the meaning of this step! I believe everyone can experience a sense of powerlessness and unmanageability, regardless, if they are an alcoholic or not. More and more, I find these steps are just steps we can use to help us with being human and to find comfort and peace as we make this journey back home.

I so appreciate the things you said about your marriage and can relate on so many levels. I believe it is stories like yours that have the potential to help serve the masses because of who you have become and how you are living proof that with God all things are possible.

Thank you for sharing this with me!

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Conversing Sisters: Thoughts on Addiction

Me & Lisa, circa 2013

In April, my sister, Lisa, passed away. I was 18 months when she was born - I've only known life with Lisa. Learning to live in the world without her has been difficult and painful. She was one of my master-teachers in unconditional love and kindness.

Lisa experienced many trials and heartache in her life - some from her own doing and some from the actions of others. She didn't allow this to make her bitter and hateful. Instead, she sought to bring light and love to this world. She did this imperfectly. And her effort was a thing of beauty and inspiration.

She had great wisdom and insight. Lisa's big dream was to share these insights with humanity as a way to bring more light and healing to a world that she new intimately to be filled with darkness and destruction.

Her Facebook page is full of quotes and thoughts about how we can be better humans and more loving towards each other. She would tag countless people in these posts, clogging our Facebook feeds with light and love. This would often drive me crazy and now...

*breathe*

...and now I miss her.

Lisa was a writer and speaker. Her voice was silenced way to soon.

Today is her 38th birthday. My gift to her, is in the spirit of her big dream, is to share some of her wisdom and insights with you.

In 2012, Lisa and I did a writing project focused on the Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) 12 Step program. We decided to do this project for a number of reasons: (1) She had been sober for a few years and was heavily involved in AA. She wanted me to understand the AA program better and I wanted the same; (2) We want to work on our writing skills; and (3) We found it fascinating that we could grow up in the same house and have different ways of being in the world, different perspectives, and different memories. AND be similar in so many ways.

The project lasted for 14 weeks. Every week we wrote independently about the same topic/step. At the end of the week, we read each other's essay and gave feedback. After finishing the project we talked about what we wanted to do with it but never took action.

I've decided to share it here to honor and celebrate her.

I'll release one a week over the next 14 weeks.

I hope that this series will bring understanding, compassion, empathy and healing to those who are struggling with addiction and to those who love addicts.

I hope that it gives comfort to those of us grieving the loss of Lisa and wanting more of Lisa in the world.

Happy Birthday, Lisa. I love you and miss you.

This post is part of a series of writings I did with my sister, Lisa, in 2012. Our thoughts and perspectives reflect a moment in time. They may or may not have changed in the passing years.

Addiction

Lisa's Thoughts  

The definition of addiction according to dictionary.com is, “the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming.”

Dr. Dyer would also add not getting enough of what you don't want. I agree with both definitions however I would like to add that addiction is the unconscious search for a pseudo-state of well-being.

For me, when I put substances in my body I felt a sense of relief, a level of okayness and comfortability within my own skin. What I was not aware of when I began drinking regularly is that it was giving me a false sense of self and a pseudo-state of spirituality. Alcohol and drugs seemed to fill that hole that ached inside of me. The only problem was the euphoric effects offered were simply temporary. So, it made perfect sense to me to continue to consume as much as I could as often as possible to achieve that false sense of well being.

In addition, what seems to be the solution and your saving grace, in the end, ends up becoming your Master. Because you "don't fit in" without it, the lengths you will go to to obtain it lead to incomprehensible demoralization as the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about. I have learned that addicts do not continue to drink and use because they necessarily want to. They have just come to a place that trying to live without it seems impossible.

I know that throughout the duration of my drinking career there would be sober moments where I would have some clarity and then the guilt and shame from my behavior would overwhelm me to the point that I would be convinced that suicide was the only option. Sobriety was not. I remember those sober moments as feeling excruciating pain. In my mind, I was a victim and if you had my Father or my ex-husbands or my etc. you would drink too.

As I continued to drink, my life quickly became chaotic and eventually there was no amount of alcohol or drugs that could get me drunk or high enough to be numb. My solution had stopped working. So now what?

Although drinking had several consequences, up to and including drinking my children away, it honestly never occurred to me to quit drinking. I didn't correlate the wreckage with the alcohol. I believed everyone else was to blame and that I wasn't hurting anyone else but myself.

This is the disease of perception that I have found most addicts suffer from. Their soul is dis-eased (diseased) and the only hope for recovery is a spiritual solution. The problem I found early on in my recovery journey is that a spiritual solution must include God.

I had become so afraid of God. I truly believed that there was no hope for me.

I didn’t know there were other people like me.

I knew that most people didn’t live the way I did. Before I found AA, I was convinced, yet again, that I was hopeless. I can tell you from the time I was a very young child I always had the perception that I was different and didn’t fit in.  My sisters seemed to have this bond and although I would try desperately to fit in, in my mind, I just never did. I didn’t seem to connect with my Mother. I always felt like she tolerated me but didn’t necessarily enjoy being my Mother. I did connect to an extent with my Father. We seemed to think alike, however, he was so mean at times that my thoughts had once again convinced me that he hated me too.

So, here I was 28 years old with really nothing left to speak of except for losing 2 children, failing at 2 marriages and a family that I believed truly didn’t want me.  I remember looking back on my life the first day I was sober - December 10, 2007: I had given a child up for adoption. I was molested by a family member when I was a small child. I had been hospitalized several times throughout my life for depression, alcoholism, etc.

What is to become of me?  How do I stay sober without all of this pain?  Will I ever be loved and forgiven?  Will I ever be the Mother I agreed to be?  How can I be a part of a family who doesn’t want me?

I had so many questions and no answers but I knew to drink again would be a slow and painful death so it was either immediate suicide or sobriety. Trust me, suicide was really the option I chose but I had to try for my two small children at the time.

What I am trying to emphasize here is alcohol and drugs were really never the problem. They were the solution to myself. Thinking was my problem, drinking was the solution to my thinking. 

I also have learned that I am addicted to everything from food to men and any substance in between because of the way I think and believe.

Although addiction has been a heavy cross to bear, it turns out it has been the greatest asset in my life today.

Liz’s Response 

Lisa, thank you for sharing this with me.

Liz's Thoughts  

Loving an addict is painful.

Literally.

I’ve developed pains in my chest that feel as though someone reaches inside, squeezes my heart, and let’s go. I’ve been acutely aware of the emotional and psychological turmoil of losing my sisters to addiction, but it wasn’t until I went to a doctor that I realize that my sisters’ addictions are affecting me physically.

I went through the stages of grief, which was odd because my sisters were still alive - that is their bodies were still alive but I no longer knew the person. So, actually, my sisters – the sisters that I knew – were dead or maybe they were just missing.

Sadness, disappointment, longing would come in waves, sometimes separately, sometimes all at once. I missed the conversations we used to have. I missed their laughter and points of view.

I became angry - angry that they would choose alcohol and drugs over their children, over the family. I understood that addiction was a disease, and not exactly a choice, but at first it was impossible to hold space for that understanding with compassion. I wanted to scratch their eyes out. I was angry about the trauma they were causing in their children’s lives and how these children would not know the parts of my sisters that were imprisoned by the addiction.  

All of this was too much for me and so I dissociated. I stopped calling them and wouldn’t answer their 3AM phone calls.

And yet, every time my phone rang the first thought that went through my head was - which one is dead?

I’d look at the caller ID.

If it wasn’t a family member, I’d exhale.

If it was a family member, I’d hold my breath in anticipation.

This went on for years and eroded my sense of well being. I missed my sisters. I loved my sisters. I felt abandoned and alone.

Lisa's Response

Liz, I so appreciated your honesty.

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