Conversing Sisters: Step 7, Removing Our Shortcomings

Lisa & Me, Christmas morning, circa 1979ish

This post is part of a series of writings I did with my sister Lisa, in 2012. Our thoughts and perspectives reflect a moment in time. They may or may not have changed in the passing years.

Step 7: “Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.”

Lisa's Thoughts  

Humility, openness and willingness are the three keys to the AA kingdom, so to speak. It is in humility that I am able to stay teachable and therein lies my freedom. One of the most powerful moments I have had in sobriety is the moment I knelt down next to my sponsor and recited the seventh step prayer. I felt tears roll down my cheeks and spirit bumps cover my skin as I asked my Creator to have all of me, good and bad, so that I may be of the utmost service to all of His creation. It is crucial that I ask God to remove these defects of character because if it was left up to me, well, I would remove the wrong stuff.

I have experienced many moments of humility in my life and although I didn’t know it at the time, I have been very blessed in these lessons. The more I learn, the less I know. I am truly grateful for that. I know the very moment I begin to think I have anything figured out I lose my way and am lost once again.

I have been struggling recently and have now been taken to a whole new level of humility. I have this secret that I have been holding onto for quite some time now, and my ego has held me hostage to what others may think of me.

I know that the truth sets me free and my innocence is available, at any time, so long as I become willing to get honest. 

I have been debating on whether or not I should write today, because I am overwhelmed with my inner child begging and pleading with me to tell the truth. I have not been impeccable with my word, in regards to my sobriety, and I know that if I don’t allow the truth to be present then I will absolutely drink again.

I was prescribed some prescription medication for PTSD, it is a narcotic to assist with anxiety, and I have not taken it as prescribed.

My ego is presently begging me to hit the backspace button, my hands and fingers feel like a million tons and it seems difficult to keep typing. I am not currently under the influence of anything and am clear. However, there have been times over the last several months that I have taken extra medication to calm my obsession to drink again.

Here I am once again, baffled at my judgment, knowing fully that this means I will get to stand up, yet again, as a newcomer, tell my sponsor face-to-face that I have not been honest and, once again, disappoint my family and loved ones.

I am getting honest in this essay. However, I haven’t entirely built up the courage or willingness to get honest with everyone else around me. I am not sure when that day will come, but I do know if I don’t tell someone now the outcome will be an extreme relapse - guilt and shame win every time.

I am writing these weekly essays in partnership with my older sister, who I love and admire a great deal, I know as she reads this she will be extremely disappointed in me and may wish to discontinue our writing assignments. The gift in writing this though is that I can be free of the secret and the dishonesty on some level. Maybe, I will finally be able to get some good sleep and be able to look at myself in the mirror again.

This type of relapse is difficult for me to accept because I have still shown up for my life - I am a better mother, I have felt more inspired to work on myself and spend time mending my relationships with my immediate family, especially with my children.

I have assisted another woman in AA in kicking heroin and getting her life back, yet here I am living incongruently. This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful as the Big Book promises. The Big Book also promises if I am willing to become rigorously honest then I will experience serenity and peace along with a quiet mind.

I have sat up many nights trying to figure out intellectually why I do this to myself, or how I justify it in my mind. So far I haven’t come up with any excuse good enough to explain to others regarding my behavior. Like I said, this hasn’t affected anything outside of me, yet.

I love myself today and so it is the greatest thing I can affect, if that makes any sense.

For the most part I am good, full of joy and love, but occasionally I get overwhelmed with what I experienced the day I defended myself and Lilly. I literally believe something bad is going to happen or I am paralyzed in fear with no explanation. I have been too ashamed to tell anyone the extent of these breakdowns, and usually they happen in the evening when everyone is asleep. So, I have justified taking extra medication in assisting me to get through the night and sometimes difficult days.

I am not sure where I will take this from here. I just knew I had to tell at least one person that I have not been impeccable with my word, or I would turn to the bottle and begin to commit slow suicide. I am very humbled today. The truth seems to offer that to me immediately.

Liz, thank you for allowing me a space where I can be vulnerable and honest. My intention is never to disappoint or hurt you. I hope you know that down to your core. I hope we can talk more about this in an effort to become willing to get honest with everyone else about it. I am just not there yet- I love you.

Liz’s Response 

(Reader, upon reading this essay I called Lisa. We talked, at length, about her relapse and then I wrote this response, which captures the essence of our conversation.)

Lisa – I don’t really have more to say to this than I already have.  Again, I love you and I believe this writing project and, more importantly, our bond is stronger for you having the courage to lean into both – to trust that I would be here and the project would be strong enough to catch you.

Love you!

I hope that your honesty has liberated you and allowed you to continue your journey with more awareness, compassion & determination.

Liz's Thoughts  

Humility is the greatest of all teachers. If I am in a place of true humility there is nothing available to feed/nurture my ego. The ego needs constant attention and feeding to survive. On the other hand, humility just needs space and allowance.

The horrid truth is - I’m more familiar, therefore more comfortable, with the high of the ego than the peace of humility. The ego intoxicates me with its lies of power, control and specialness. Leading me to believe that I’m better at this or that and better than so and so. This disconnects me from myself, my source, my Creator and humanity. And when ego has had its fun, it abandons me.

In an interview for the Oprah Winfrey Network, Simon Cowell talked about battling with his ego and he said that he has learned that his ego with lift him to the highest points and then drop him, every time. Unfortunately, for him that has meant the loss of thousands, if not millions, of dollars in addition to the emotional and psychological losses.

So, I’m to humbly ask God to remove me shortcomings. First, that would look like a street fight with my ego in order to allow space for humility. The frustrating thing about humility is that you can’t seek it.

I find when I try to seek out humility and invite it over for tea, it has moved from where I last left it without leaving a forwarding address! Or just when I think I have a reached humility, I discover that there is so much farther left to go. I’m beginning to wonder if humility isn’t a state of being but an action.        
 
In the last chapter of the Book of Mormon, Moroni makes a promise to the reader,
"And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost" (Moroni 10:4).

I believe the same promise holds in this step. That “humbling asking” is the equivalent of asking with “a sincere heart, with real intent.” As a Christian, it all comes down to faith in Christ for the removal of shortcomings, through the Atonement of Jesus Christ all things are possible.

AH LISA!!!  I have to go and can’t work on this anymore.  I have more that I want to say about the Atonement & faith. I recently gave a talk on faith and want to put some of it here.  So, this is an incomplete one.

Lisa's Response

Liz- Although this is incomplete I still loved it!  Humility for me is the ability to see myself in everyone else and to stay teachable. I have found too that only truth can free the humility in me. Usually, the truth is my ego is afraid it will lose something it thinks it has or believes it will not get something it wants. When I ask myself those two things in any difficult situation one or the other is usually true. I love that you make reference to a street fight.. lol.. so true!  I can’t wait to hear what else you have to say about this step.

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The Plan of Joy

This is a Sacrament talk I presented to my ward on June 28, 2015

I’m really grateful for this Earth school. I think it is a remarkable place to learn and grow, to be transformed.

I’m grateful to be a member of this Church. The restored gospel of Jesus Christ has enriched my life. I shudder to think who I would be without it.

I’m grateful for a Savior who lived a perfect life, so that I could live mine imperfectly.

I’m grateful for the atonement. Through the atonement all things are possible.

Atonement. At-one-ment, it suggests unity.

“In Hebrew, the basic word for atonement is kaphar, a verb that means ‘to cover’ or ‘to forgive.’

Closely related is the Aramaic and Arabic word kafat, meaning ‘a close embrace.’

...While the words atone or atonement, in any of their forms, appear only once in the King James translation of the New Testament, they appear 35 times in the Book of Mormon." (Russell M. Nelson, The Atonement)

In the Book of Mormon we learn that the resurrected Christ visited the Nephites in the Americas. He spends multiple days teaching them His Gospel and organizing His Church as he had done in Jerusalem.

At one point Jesus asks the Nephites to bring their little children to him. The children come and sit around him. While standing in their midst he asks the entire multitude to kneel and he begins to pray:

“...Jesus groaned within himself, and said: Father, I am troubled because of the wickedness of the people…” (3 Nephi 17:14)

As I look at all of you - my ward family - who I serve with and have built intimate relationships with, I know the suffering that is in this room.

We are a family that knows the pain of bodies riddled with diseases, life altering injuries and disabilities.

We know what it is to lose a parent or child to soon, and to lose family members to random violence and genocide.

We’ve had dreams and desired unrealized.

We’ve lost jobs and struggled to find employment.

Our hearts have wrenched with the end of marriages and the inability to have children. The pain of addiction, abuse, neglect, betrayal and loneliness has crushed us.

The consequences of our own actions have brought us to our knees.

We know suffering.

Self-Compassion researcher, Dr. Kristin Neff, call this “common humanity.” She says that suffering is the great equalizer. The source of our suffering may be different but we all know suffering. And that it’s a wonderful opportunity to strengthen relationships and build communities by giving comfort.  

The Nephites knew suffering.

And as Jesus stood in their midst, he groaned.

It does not say he was angry, judgmental, indifferent or shaming.

He groaned - a vocalization of pain and despair - a vocalization of suffering.

Jesus’ responds to the Nephites empathetically. He meets the Nephites where they are at and sits with them in their emotions.  

Having lived his mortal life without sin, how is it that Jesus can meet not only the Nephites, but you and I, in affliction with a real understanding of what it means to suffer?

Stephen Robinson answers this in his book Believing Christ, he says:

“All the negative aspects of human existence brought about by the Fall, Jesus Christ absorbed in himself...He knows all [suffering] personally and intimately because he lived them in the Gethsemane experience.

Having personally lived a perfect life, he then chose to experience our imperfect lives.

In that infinite Gethsemane experience...he lived a billion billion lifetimes of sin, pain, disease, and sorrow.

God uses no magic wand to simply wave bad things into nonexistence. The sins that he remits, he remits by making them his own and suffering them…

Thus we owe him not only for our spiritual cleansing from sin, but for our physical, mental, and emotional healings as well…

It is all part of his infinite sacrifice - of his infinite gift.”   

The experiential knowledge gained in Gethsemane and his crucifixion on Calvary, give Christ the capacity for perfect empathy.

With that empathy, he advocates to the Father on behalf of the Nephites,

“And no tongue can speak, neither can there be written by any man, neither can the hearts of men conceive so great and marvelous things as we both saw and heard Jesus speak; and no one can conceive of the joy which filled our souls at the time we heard him pray for us unto the Father.” (3 Nephi 17:17)

I know this scripture says that one cannot conceive the “great and marvelous things” or the “joy that filled [their] souls” but I can.

I know this moment. I have been through a repentance process.

I too have marveled at the reality of having my burdens lifted, my soul restored and my pain soothed.

I too have been filled with joy and gratitude that Christ absorbed my sins and suffering so that I could be at one with the Father and divinely embraced.  

I know Christ to the advocate because he has been mine.  

Enough about me, back to the Nephites!

“And they arose from the earth, and he said unto them: Blessed are ye because of your faith. And now behold, my joy is full.” (3 Nephi 17:20)

Have you noticed that after Christ performs a miracle he always says it was because of their faith?

It’s like its the chemical reaction, like baking soda and vinegar. Our faith. The Atonement. Magic. Okay, maybe not magic but miracles and definitely, definitely joy.

Our faith in the Lord Jesus Christ enacts the healing powers of the atonement and brings us joy. Our using the atonement fills Him with joy.  

Joy. Oh joy.

Quantitative researcher and shame expert, Brene Brown defines joy as

“A spiritual way of engaging the world with a practice of gratitude.” (Gifts of Imperfection)  

I love that joy is part of our doctrine. We are not a religion of “sinners in the hands of an angry God.” (Jonathan Edwards) We are a religion of God’s “work and glory is to bring to pass the immortality of man.” (Moses 1:39) A religion of “Adam fell that men might be, men are, that they might have joy.” (2 Nephi 2:25)

I spent most of my life thinking that suffering and joy were at opposites end of a spectrum. The suffering was to be endured and joy would be a reward.

But in studying Brene Brown’s work and living my life I’ve come to understand that they are inextricably linked. You can’t know one without the other.

Buddhist monk, Thich Nhat Hanh teaches “Most people are afraid of suffering. But suffering is a kind of mud to help the lotus flower of happiness grow. There can be no lotus flower without the mud.”

“No mud, No lotus.”

Former General Young Women President, Elaine Cannon says, “the daily work of the Lord involves changing hopeless to hopeful—for all of us. And it is for us to find at last that in the midst of winter we have within us an invincible summer. In a world filled with adversity we can reach for joy.”

I love President Cannon’s word choice.

First, invincible. No matter how dark and hopeless we feel, we are God’s children, there is inherently in each of us a light that cannot be overcome that can never be extinguished.

Secondly, reach. A great action word. It’s like stretch. You might not want to do it at first but when you do it feels good. It also requires a change in position (and that can be ideology, a paradigm or an attitude).

It’s like Maya Angelou says, “If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude.”

Our Father in heaven wants us to be filled with joy. So much so that he was willing be separated from us, to risk losing some of us, to watch his Only Begotten suffer unimaginably.  All so that we may have this Earth school.

President Cannon went on to say, “But whatever life offers, it is to be lived, it is to be learned from. We need to get on with it—and reach for joy.”

By reaching for joy, accepting it and sharing it with each other, we are a living testament of Jesus Christ.

Do You Remember?

The following is a talk I presented in my ward last Sunday.

Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

For unto you is given a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.

And this shall be a sign unto you: 

(Luke 2:10-12, modified)

The Christmas Tree - An evergreen that is cut down and then erected, glorified with decoration which calls to remembrance the resurrection and glory of our Savior.   

Candles and Christmas lights - Reminding us of the light of Christ. “I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.” (John 8:12).

Candy Canes - Shaped like a shepherd's crook, reminding us that Christ is the good Shepherd who has commanded us to feed His sheep. Also, the peppermint flavor, is reminiscent of hyssop which has medicinal purposes. This reminds us of the healing powers of the atonement.

Mistletoe (Not just for kissing) - It’s an aerial parasite that doesn't have roots of its own thus in order to survive it attaches itself to trees for nourishment and sustainability. Likewise, we must attach ourselves to Christ if we want exaltation.

Presents - Remind of the generosity and love of our Heavenly Father who gave us a Savior, the Holy Ghost and this Earth School. And of course, the gift of the Atonement from our beloved brother, Jesus Christ.  

(Source: A Christmas Testimony mingled with my own interpretations).

This is called the most wonderful time of year and it can be for it brings us together to celebrate and hold mass for our Savior.

But as you participate in Christmas festivities, do these symbols remind you of Christ? Or have they become decorative and common placed?

Complacency can be an unfortunate byproduct of repetition. The more frequently we do something, the more common it becomes, and the less we are acutely aware of its significance and value.

Fear not, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.

For unto you given the sacrament.

And this shall be a sign unto you: 

(Luke 2:10-12, modified)

The bread: A remembrance of Christ’s body.

The Water: To remind us of His blood that was shed for us.

The Sacrament table: A reminder of the last supper and the burial tomb.

The Sacrament cloth: Reminds us of Christ’s shroud. Just as the shroud enveloped His body, we are reminded that because of His enveloping love we too will be resurrected.

The administering of the sacrament: Reminds us that Christ administered to His Apostles, such as when He washed their feet, and that He administered His disciples, which reminds us that the we have covenanted to bear one another’s burdens.

The way in which we, Latter-Day Saints, administer the sacrament differentiates us from other Christian faiths. It is not given to us one by one by our Bishop. It is a communal ordinance.   

Worthy males use the Priesthood to administer the Sacrament to the congregation. The congregation then passes it to each other. You to me. Me to you. This is not insignificant. This is the only ordinance where everyone in attendance participates in the execution of the ordinance.

I love the way Cheryl Esplin, 2nd Councilor in the General Primary Presidency translates this into a sacred act. When we offer the sacrament to each other,    

“...it is as if the Savior Himself were extending His arm of mercy, inviting each one of us to partake of the precious gifts of love made available through His atoning sacrifice—gifts of repentance,forgiveness, comfort, and hope.”  

I think its important that we do not hurry through this exchange for the sake of time or efficiency. I encourage you to allow your neighbor to offer you the sacrament. For you to partake of it, THEN for you to take possession of the tray and offer it to your neighbor, continuing this sacred ritual.

This reminds us to accept the service from others and for us to be of service to one another.

The Eating: Reminds us to internalize Christ’s teachings, making it a part of who we are. It also reminds us to feed his sheep.

These symbols of Christmas and the Sacrament are to remind us of Christ and our relationship with Him. When we partake of the sacrament we are covenanting to remember Christ.

In the blessing of the bread we covenant to be “...WILLING to take upon [us] the name of thy Son, and always remember him and keep his commandments…” (D&C 20:77)

When partaking of the water we covenant that we, “...DO it in remembrance of the blood of thy Son, which was shed for [us]; that [we] may witness unto thee, Oh God, the Eternal Father, that [we] DO always remember him…” (D&C 20:79)

At first we are willing and then we do.

It is important to the Father and Christ that we remember.  

When you participate in the sacrament, sitting in these pews, what is it that you call to remembrance?  

When you are in poor health do you remember that Christ healed the sick, the lame and the blind.

When you are harboring guilt for transgressions or sin do you remember that Christ not only forgave the woman found in adultery but advocated for her?  It is not possible for you to sink to a depth that the atonement can’t find you.  

When you are consumed with doubt, do you remember that Christ and Peter walked together on the water. That the raging sea caused Peter to doubt, but that Christ extended His hand and reminded Him of the power of faith.

When you’re feeling isolated and alone, do you remember that while in the Garden of Gethsemane, Christ asked His friends to stay awake with Him but they didn't. That in the moment He was the most vulnerable He felt incredibly alone. Yet we know from Luke, that the Father had sent a strengthening angel to be with Him. Do you not think that the Father continues to send strengthening angels to His children?   

When you are overcome with joy and think that you may not be worthy of it, or you fear that it might not last, do you remember that you are that you might have joy?

Do you remember that the good tidings of great joy, which is given to all people, in this dispensation, is the restored gospel of Jesus Christ?

I don’t. I don’t always remember. But I want to. As I sit in the pews with you and you offer me the sacrament and I offer it to you, I’m going to remember that we are in this together. That all of these things are possible because of our Savior.

I want to be like Mary. After she gave life to her son, our Savior, and witnessed all of the miracles, it is said that she “...kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart.” (Luke 2:19) I believe she did so that she could always remember.

During this Christmas season may we remember. As we participate in the Sacrament ordinance may we remember.

I wish you a Merry Christmas.