Conversing Sisters: Reflecting

Me & Lisa, circa 1978

This post is part of a series of writings I did with my sister Lisa, in 2012. Our thoughts and perspectives reflect a moment in time. They may or may not have changed in the passing years.

Reflecting

Lisa's Thoughts  

Our journey...

Wow, I too have found so much joy in getting to know you better and understanding your perspectives on God and all that is good. I appreciate you taking the time to really learn and understand what the recovery journey is all about!

I am really looking forward to doing something similar with you, maybe in the Articles of Faith or something you would like me to learn about.

I was really happy to learn how the 12 steps can really impact anyone who chooses to learn about them. They are powerful in their own way. Words cannot express how I feel about you and who you have become! If I am ever in doubt about what is possible, I remember the day you left here without much and created a life that is nothing short of inspiring.

You inspire me everyday and more than you know...you truly are one of those people who live in my heart and light up my soul on a constant basis.

Thank you for your compassion, love and patience over the years. I know, now more than ever, it was not easy for you to witness and experience. I am so grateful that the good Lord has brought us all to some clarity, so we can be of service to those who may be experiencing life as we did.

I am so excited for you to come home and share this Holiday season with you!!!

I love you!

Liz's Thoughts  

Reader,

I can’t find what I wrote in 2012. I assume I wrote something. I imagine I would have expressed my gratitude for the project, the insights, the shared experience...I know I would have told Lisa that I loved her and looked forward to our next project. The next project didn’t materialize. Life happened…

Lisa relapsed. Why? Ultimately, that’s a question only she can answer. I do know that she made attempts at sobriety. It was the topic of our last communication.

She texted me, “It’s groundhog’s day here in my world. I know I just need to change one thing.”
I replied, “You can change that one thing.”

She died 15 days later.

Grief swallowed me whole. Ripped out my internal landscape. Thrusted me into the inky abyss.
Resurrecting this writing project has been a beacon. Reviewing the Alcoholics Anonymous steps has helped me to see I am powerless over grief - it must be experienced. I came to believe a Power greater than myself could bring me out of the abyss. I had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps - to carry the message of healing, love and light to those impacted by addiction.

In sharing mine and Lisa’s conversations with you, I’ve found connection and meaning. I’ve loved hearing from the people who Lisa impacted during her life. I’ve loved hearing from people struggling with addiction and those who love people in that struggle. I feel a collective embrace and I’m reminded that we are not alone in our suffering and that we are on this Earth school to care for one another. Thank you for being part of this with me.

There are more writings. I have some of Lisa’s journals wherein she continues to work the steps. I haven’t been in a space where I can read them and thus am not ready to share them. I will - in time.

I want to end in the same format the previous posts where written - responding to my sister.


Lisa,

You’re beloved AA and treasured steps have been a balm during this painful time. Thank you for bring AA into my life. It has given me perspective and tools on how to cope with loving addicts and living my life.

Per your wishes, we hosted an AA meeting in your honor a few days after your funeral. It was a choice moment hearing your community speak affectionately about you and share their stories of addiction. Something happened to me in that meeting. The line between the addict and me blurred. I no longer felt like a visitor. Your addiction no longer felt like this other thing - it all became part of a bigger whole. Your community became my community. Your cause became my cause.

For so much of our adult life I was your champion. Now, I feel the roles have reversed. I hear you tell me that I can do this hard thing.

I’m eternally grateful that you are my sister.

I miss you! I love you!

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Conversing Sisters: Step 12, We're Caring This Message

Lisa & me, circa 2009

This post is part of a series of writings I did with my sister Lisa, in 2012. Our thoughts and perspectives reflect a moment in time. They may or may not have changed in the passing years.

Step 12: "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all of our affairs."

Lisa's Thoughts  

Step 12 is the reason that AA remains available to all who seek to recover from a hopeless state of mind, spirit and body. This step is crucial in recovery and in life, in general. It is often said that you cannot keep what you aren’t willing to give away. When I first came into AA, I felt intimidated by this step and didn’t realize, even at one day sober, I had something to offer the person who was still drunk. Regardless of how much sobriety someone has, everyone is capable of reaching out and offering service.

Service work kept me sober in the beginning. I jumped into AA with both feet and spent the majority of my time working with others, making coffee, chairing meetings and giving people rides to and from meetings. I had no idea why I was doing it at the time, except my sponsor highly suggested it. However, over time, I realized the internal rewards that come with being of service.

Some of the most powerful moments I have had in AA are when I have had the opportunity to sit down with a woman and take her through these steps as I was taken through them. I am often amazed and baffled at what I learn about myself and the gifts that come into my life as a result of taking a few minutes and sharing what another woman gave to me so freely.

I have spent many nights in emergency rooms, hotel rooms and strange living rooms attempting to carry the message of AA. At times, I can tell you, I felt as though I was wasting my time or would be discouraged when I would spend countless hours with someone to have them drink again. What I learned during that process was it didn’t matter what anyone did with what I offered them. The gift, in all of it, was that I stayed sober even if they didn’t.

This step also allowed me to begin the process of rigorous honesty. I came into AA with so many secrets, secrets I was determined to die with. However, when women stood up in meetings and opened their hearts about neglecting their children and committing adultery, it gave me the courage to open up about my story and what was keeping me hostage from life. I realized that I truly am not alone in my alcoholism and the many behaviors that come from that.

It is due to the women who come before me and who have been willing to spend their time, energy, and resources on me that I am able to offer anything in return. 

Paying it forward is what AA is all about. I love the unity and joy that are found in the rooms. There is absolutely an energy that can’t be explained in words.

Liz’s Response 

Reader, I couldn't find my response to this post from 2012.

Liz's Thoughts  

This step echoes of my journey from domestic violence victim, to domestic violence survivor, to domestic violence advocate. The last interaction I had with my ex-husband culminated into an act of physical violence as he attempted to break down the door of my apartment. The next morning, I was sitting in the domestic violence assistance center at the Matheson Courthouse in Salt Lake City, Utah. Within a few hours, I was given a protective order, training on how to keep myself safe and a victim’s advocate - all free of charge.

I was amazed at how smoothly the process went and the resources that were readily available to me. As I was sitting in the waiting room for my paperwork to be finalized, I was overcome with gratitude. I knew that this system was in place and these resources were available to me because of the women who came before me – not all of them surviving the violence inflected by their domestic partner. At that moment, in that space, I made a vow to those women that I would from that day forward use my voice to bring light and awareness to the darkness and destructive realities of domestic violence.
 
I entered that courthouse a victim and left a survivor. It took me many years, a lot of personal awareness work, healing and counseling for me to transition from survivor to advocate. The key was finding my voice, trusting it and then using it.

The art I create, the words I write and the way I live my life are rooted in this vow.

After seeing my art or collaborating with me, individuals will disclose their experience with domestic violence and/or ask how they can get help. This is how I make a difference in the world. This is how I actively participate in life and become part of the global conversation.

Our stories matter. 

Our voices deserve to be heard.

Our experiences are uniquely our own. 

Reach out to another person and connecting to them with vulnerability and love changes ourselves, our families, and our communities. By standing in our truth and telling our stories, we are revolutionaries. 

Lisa's Response

Liz,

It has been so many years, sometimes, I forget where we have come from, especially in your situation. I believe true healing comes when we pay forward what happened to us in a positive way. I know that you, me and Laura have the ability through our voices to break the abuse cycle that seems to repeat itself in our family.

I am so proud of you and admire how far you have come. I know that whatever is in store for us next will be nothing short of amazing. God would not have it any other way! I love you!

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