Conversing Sisters: Step 8, Making Our Lists

Me & Lisa, circa 2009

This post is part of a series of writings I did with my sister Lisa, in 2012. Our thoughts and perspectives reflect a moment in time. They may or may not have changed in the passing years.

Step 8: "Made a list of all people we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."

Lisa's Thoughts  

Traditionally in AA, this step is worked through accessing your original 4th step. Everyone who was listed on your 4th step, now becomes your 8th step. I was fortunate enough not to know this the first time I worked the steps. It came completely unexpectedly. However, after working steps 5, 6, & 7, I could absolutely see that I had a part in all of my resentments. So, it made sense that I too owed an amends to many of the people I believed had wronged me for so many years.  In addition to those listed on my 4th step, I also added those who were innocently affected by my drinking career. People who I didn’t resent, yet I felt guilt and shame as a result of my behavior with them.

Step 8 was the beginning of true freedom for me.

Although I felt a level of cleanliness with the other steps, when I began to make right my wrongs true freedom from guilt and shame began to seep in. This is the step that allowed me to list people like my children, Liz and Veronica. People that I was never angry with, yet my actions had caused a great deal of harm.

I was anxious to work this step and Step 9 so I could begin living without fear, or so I thought. What I didn’t realize was Steps 8 & 9 are lifelong processes that never end. There are still several people on my original 8th and 9th step that I have not yet had the opportunity to make amends with. However, I do know when the universe aligns it will provide the opportunity just at the right time. It always seems to work that way.

Making the list was easy, becoming willing was difficult with a few people - my ex-husband, for example. However, with much prayer for willingness it came within a short amount of time, and I genuinely felt love, forgiveness and compassion, for even him - and a willingness to clean up my side of the street.

I have found with Step 8, if there is a person I am struggling to make an amends to, I simply pray for that person for two weeks to have everything I have ever wanted and more. Usually, within a few days the willingness comes along with acceptance, and once again I am moved to peace and serenity.

It is not a requirement to make an amends to everyone on your 4th step. Especially those who truly hurt you such as child abuse and things like that. However, I found a whole new level of freedom within myself when I became willing to make an amends to even those people. Not for their actions but for my actions following any circumstance, even if it was sending them negative energy, or for being in a state of unforgiving for any amount of time.

This is a wonderful preparation step for Step 9 and much needed in my opinion. Step 9 takes on a whole new emotional storm - the habit of praying for others and taking a look at my only my part is crucial in moving forward.

Liz’s Response 

Lisa,

It always comes back to the one thing we can control – our behavior.

Another paradox – when living in the shadow, our behavior is the last thing we want to take ownership of. We try and control everything else, but when we take ownership of our behavior and nothing else, we experience an abundance of peace, healing and possibilities.

Love you & hope you are doing much better.

Liz's Thoughts  

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the interconnectedness of humanity. We are all so deeply connected in a myriad of ways that it is inevitable that our actions will affect at least one other, if not multiple people. We are fooling ourselves if we believe that our actions only affect us. Even the most private of decisions have a ripple effect. We are responsible for the ripples we send out into the world, and when those ripples cause destruction we must make an amends.

I recently saw a reading of Everybody in the Gene Pool by Stephen Mo Hanan. It explores this very idea. It's set in heaven and the principal character, a woman, is just minutes from being born on Earth. There's a Guide giving her last minute advice and preparing her for her new life. As the play continues, we learn that this woman has already lived on Earth as a man and is being reincarnated. It is necessary for her to be reincarnated because in her previous life she caused a tremendous amount of pain to humanity through acts of violence and torture. The God of this play is requiring her to go back and make amends by bringing light and love into the world in order to restore balance. Love is the restorative act. Anything that has been damaged can be made whole through love. 

However, we have to be willing to own our actions and see with true eyes what it is we have done in order to bring about healing. I’ve found that the more I see humanity’s interconnectedness, and continue to enlarge my capacity for compassion and empathy, the more willing I am to take accountability for my actions.  When I’m able to humble myself to this state than love is the natural response.

Lisa's Response

Liz,

I love that you talk about the interconnectedness between humans and the ripple effect we have intentionally or not.  When you were describing that play I was wondering if someone had written it about me...lol. JK.

But I do wonder about that sometimes. I believe that there are no accidents or coincidences. Everything and everyone is an opportunity to choose love or not. If I choose not, than there will be an amends at some point. 

Love you!

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Conversing Sisters: Step 6, Removing All These Defects

Lisa & Me, circa 2013

This post is part of a series of writings I did with my sister Lisa, in 2012. Our thoughts and perspectives reflect a moment in time. They may or may not have changed in the passing years.

Step 6: “Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.”

Lisa's Thoughts  

Step 6 is truly the step that separates the men from the boys. This is where I learned how I often seek comfort rather than character building. Previous to working this step, I often found myself in a state of reactivity. Without thought, I responded to situations in my life quickly and often harshly never considering that I had a choice in the matter. After working this step, I have come to know that there is a choice in everything I do.

There have been many uncomfortable moments in my life where I have chosen to be comfortable rather than stand in my truth and build my character. I first had to take a look at the big things - drinking, for example. I had to decide moment to moment whether or not I was going to live and stay sober or drink and die.

In the beginning, it was moment by moment, second by second. I would not drink for just that moment and somehow the moments become hours, the hours become days, the days become weeks and so on. This is how I have chosen to become entirely ready to have God remove my defects of character with action. It’s with every response- do I respond in love or in fear every time, moment to moment? At the end of a relationship, I am not ready to let go of, do I sit in it alone with God and heal? Or do I enter immediately into another relationship, so I won’t have to feel the loneliness and rejection?

You see, for me, this step is what I do next with whatever I am presented with. I haven’t always worked this step perfectly and, fortunately, later on down the road there is a step that helps with that too. However, I am aware today that I have choice.

It is in the willingness that power is hidden. When I become willing, with a whole heart, my Creator moves the universe to align with my willingness and, suddenly, with a little practice it seems effortless and almost humorous.   

I often laugh at the things I used to get all worked up about. How I would spend days and weeks festering over one little thing, reacting over and over. I have found such peace and joy in this step. Every time I am able to behave differently, even just once, I feel I am conquering myself a little more each and every day. There is such power in this step, and the more I rely upon it to work in my life the more miraculous my relationships become by simply doing one thing different.

Liz’s Response 

Lisa,

I want more!!  Love you!

Liz's Thoughts  

This step marks the halfway point in this writing project on the twelve steps and the halfway point for any alcoholic working the steps towards recovery.  It is significant then that a willingness, ability and desire (perhaps this is what is meant by “ready”) to allow God to work his miracle in your life happens at this point in the journey. I’ve experienced the first five steps as an awareness of who I am, where I come from, and the actions I have made that have led me to this moment in my life. It is suggested that by engaging in this level of awareness and accountability that I would be ready to have the defects of my character removed.

This is the first step that overwhelmed me, gave me pause and, for which, I had a physical response (a tightening in my chest). In reading this step, I came to really know and understand that the AA program is not playing around; it is playing for keeps.

I don’t always want to give up my defects of character. They are familiar to me, which gives me comfort because I know my place in the world with them. I have engaged with my family, friends, co-works and humanity with these foibles. I know how others respond to them and how to cope with that response. This has given me a level of stasis that I know I can survive in.

However, I don’t merely want to survive this existence. I want to thrive.

Therefore, I must we willing to lean into the discomfort of the unknown, to risk growth and progression.

In pondering this, I hear the words of actor and activist, Ruby Dee...

I find change really comes down to comfort. I will contemplate, intend and plan on change, but until I’m pushed out of my comfort zone, I will not engage in it with any real intent or vigor.  It is at these times of great discomfort I’m am able and willing to let go of my familiar friends.

Our Cousin Angela (therapist) advises me, in these moments, to treat the character defeat as a friend. I invite this friend over for tea, we have a chat, and then I ask it to leave. This approach works for me because sometimes my defects of character are also my coping mechanisms –coping mechanisms that have literal and figuratively saved my life.

It is a painful day when you realize the very behavior that has saved you in the past is the very behavior that is preventing you from further growth.

That is why it is beneficial to take a moment and honor the place it has held in your life (having a chat over tea) and then turn it over to God. I suspect if I have truly worked the prior steps, though this action may be terrifying and painful, with it comes great peace and space to grow into what you are becoming.

Lisa's Response

Liz!

Yes Yes Yes!!!! Alcoholics share all the time about how their character defects were exactly what previously saved their lives, literally. I can so relate!! I had to manipulate, to an extreme, to get myself out of many life and death situations. It is still one of the ones I can’t seem to let go of.

I love that you shared that quote by Ruby Dee! It is so perfect for this step.
Thank you for all you do! I have so enjoyed this process.

Although, I do need to talk to you and get honest about some things I am struggling with…

I hate that I am not perfect sometimes or that my judgment is still that of an addict.

I love you!

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