Conversing Sisters: Reflecting

Me & Lisa, circa 1978

This post is part of a series of writings I did with my sister Lisa, in 2012. Our thoughts and perspectives reflect a moment in time. They may or may not have changed in the passing years.

Reflecting

Lisa's Thoughts  

Our journey...

Wow, I too have found so much joy in getting to know you better and understanding your perspectives on God and all that is good. I appreciate you taking the time to really learn and understand what the recovery journey is all about!

I am really looking forward to doing something similar with you, maybe in the Articles of Faith or something you would like me to learn about.

I was really happy to learn how the 12 steps can really impact anyone who chooses to learn about them. They are powerful in their own way. Words cannot express how I feel about you and who you have become! If I am ever in doubt about what is possible, I remember the day you left here without much and created a life that is nothing short of inspiring.

You inspire me everyday and more than you know...you truly are one of those people who live in my heart and light up my soul on a constant basis.

Thank you for your compassion, love and patience over the years. I know, now more than ever, it was not easy for you to witness and experience. I am so grateful that the good Lord has brought us all to some clarity, so we can be of service to those who may be experiencing life as we did.

I am so excited for you to come home and share this Holiday season with you!!!

I love you!

Liz's Thoughts  

Reader,

I can’t find what I wrote in 2012. I assume I wrote something. I imagine I would have expressed my gratitude for the project, the insights, the shared experience...I know I would have told Lisa that I loved her and looked forward to our next project. The next project didn’t materialize. Life happened…

Lisa relapsed. Why? Ultimately, that’s a question only she can answer. I do know that she made attempts at sobriety. It was the topic of our last communication.

She texted me, “It’s groundhog’s day here in my world. I know I just need to change one thing.”
I replied, “You can change that one thing.”

She died 15 days later.

Grief swallowed me whole. Ripped out my internal landscape. Thrusted me into the inky abyss.
Resurrecting this writing project has been a beacon. Reviewing the Alcoholics Anonymous steps has helped me to see I am powerless over grief - it must be experienced. I came to believe a Power greater than myself could bring me out of the abyss. I had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps - to carry the message of healing, love and light to those impacted by addiction.

In sharing mine and Lisa’s conversations with you, I’ve found connection and meaning. I’ve loved hearing from the people who Lisa impacted during her life. I’ve loved hearing from people struggling with addiction and those who love people in that struggle. I feel a collective embrace and I’m reminded that we are not alone in our suffering and that we are on this Earth school to care for one another. Thank you for being part of this with me.

There are more writings. I have some of Lisa’s journals wherein she continues to work the steps. I haven’t been in a space where I can read them and thus am not ready to share them. I will - in time.

I want to end in the same format the previous posts where written - responding to my sister.


Lisa,

You’re beloved AA and treasured steps have been a balm during this painful time. Thank you for bring AA into my life. It has given me perspective and tools on how to cope with loving addicts and living my life.

Per your wishes, we hosted an AA meeting in your honor a few days after your funeral. It was a choice moment hearing your community speak affectionately about you and share their stories of addiction. Something happened to me in that meeting. The line between the addict and me blurred. I no longer felt like a visitor. Your addiction no longer felt like this other thing - it all became part of a bigger whole. Your community became my community. Your cause became my cause.

For so much of our adult life I was your champion. Now, I feel the roles have reversed. I hear you tell me that I can do this hard thing.

I’m eternally grateful that you are my sister.

I miss you! I love you!

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Conversing Sisters: Step 10, Taking Our Personal Inventory

Me & Lisa, circa 1996

This post is part of a series of writings I did with my sister Lisa, in 2012. Our thoughts and perspectives reflect a moment in time. They may or may not have changed in the passing years.

Step 10: "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it."

Lisa's Thoughts  

Step 10 is a very important step, but in my program it usually is the one overlooked most often.  As I was reading this evening about Step 10 for a little inspiration, I was reminded of how powerful this step is when used daily. As I was reading, I heard things like, “we cease fighting everyone and everything” and “love and tolerance is our code.” Immediately, I felt a heaviness lifted off of my chest.

Connecting with God allows me to put down my ego and all my defenses, open my heart space to love and acceptance. 

I was reminded of how diligent I was in the beginning of my sobriety. Each night, I would journal about my day, I would ask myself a set of questions about honesty, love, openness, and willingness, I would reflect to see if I had harmed anyone that day and would immediately clean up my wreckage. Over the years, I have lost that sense of urgency to keep my side of the street clean on a daily basis - free of resentments, gossip and negativity.

Today, as I work this step, it is no surprise to me as to why I am struggling with my medications. Somewhere along the way, I have allowed small resentments to creep in. I haven’t dealt with my side of the street. Here I am again all tangled up. Luckily, I have a solution today. I know exactly what to do and where to go to live it.

Living a sober spiritual life is absolutely a blessing. However, it does come with a price and often that road is very lonely. I remind myself that it isn’t about what others can get away with and live with. I have knowledge today of God’s grace and mercy, and I can no longer behave in many of the ways I used to, regardless, of how it may be the norm or not.

Working a rigorously honest program takes work. Every decision is either wreckage or love. There is no grey area with that in my life. Recently, I haven’t held myself to the standard of living I know I am capable of when dealing with others. I have found myself saying, “I will let someone else do it,” or “I don’t need to talk to my sponsor about that,” or “Just stay home from the meeting, you're too tired.”

As I have bought into these excuses, one day at a time, I have rested on my laurels. Faith without action is dead. I have proven that to myself on more than one occasion.

I laugh when my sponsor says, “You can coast if you want to but just remember that technically you're still falling,” or “breathe,” and then hangs up. She is so wise.

Taking a daily inventory offers so much peace and serenity in my life. I don’t have to hold onto flat tires and burnt mac-n-cheese for weeks on end anymore. Those mole hills don’t have to become mountains.

I can clean up the wreckage and be a light and an example of what God’s love is capable of. I feel immensely blessed in this moment to be reminded of the simple tools I have today to be back on track with my sobriety. I can’t explain the relief I have remembering and fully knowing, once again, there is a simple solution to myself.

Thank you for giving me this opportunity to learn Step 10 on even a deeper level.

Liz’s Response 

Lisa,

This reminds me of something I wrote to a friend recently. She is, currently, processing her childhood trauma – “I want to remind you that you are not alone in your journey.  The road you are walking is solely yours, but it is surrounded by women who are also on the same journey, and every now and then we call out to each other as a reminder that we are never really/truly alone.  You are part of a sisterhood that offers understanding, empathy, love &  belonging. We stand with you as you process your story, discover your voice & learn to use it to tell your unique story (whatever that might look like).”

LOVE YOU!!!!

Wonderfully honest & vulnerable.  I think it may be one of my favorites.

Liz's Thoughts  

Self-awareness is a lifestyle that requires constant and continual diligence, commitment and action. It is imperative that we continually take our own personal inventory, so we are aware of how our desires, intentions and behaviors are manifesting in our lives, affecting the people we interact with and the environment we inhabit. Avoidance, denial and blame are seductive alternatives to awareness and responsibility, but they are masks – masks that inhibit connection to our source, ourselves and to others.  

I appreciate that this step presumes that we will continue to make mistakes. The assumption or quest for perfection, meaning without flaw, is futile and destructive. It is not only impossible to live a flawless life, it also goes against the very purpose of our existence in this Earth school. Our agency is the most valuable gift the Father has given us. Christ’s atonement provides the space and means by which we are able to fully engage our agency. Our experiences, based on the choices we make, will all be for our benefit and growth. With agency comes consequence. We are responsible for all that we create in the world.

The wisdom in this step is that it provides council for when we do make the mistakes. We are to promptly admit them. The key is promptly.

Falling down is a given. What you do when you are down is what determines your character. 

By promptly utilizing the tools learned in the previous steps, we can minimize the damage created by our wrongs. This is what is greatly missing in our culture and politics –the ability and willingness to take responsibility for our actions and make the amends with humility and grace.

The difference between humility and humiliation is great.  Humiliation is when our ego/pride is bruised. Humility is the ability to set aside the ego and become teachable. Humility fosters resiliency, connection and personal growth.

Step 10, also, echoes of a concept I’ve been pondering this past week and have come to believe to be a capital “T” TRUTH: We get exactly what it is that we want. 

That want is determined by our intentions, desires and behaviors. I was, recently, thinking about this in terms of my first marriage. I would have told you, at the time, I wanted a temple marriage (ie a relationship built upon and committed to the principles and doctrines of the LDS church), but my choices proved otherwise. It wasn’t that I didn’t, actually, want these things it was that I held other things in higher value. Instead, I sought after and got a relationship based upon carnal desires and passions. I still live with some of the consequences of that want fifteen years later.

Our want is synonymous with our faith. This is why faith is a fundamental part of our lives and why the scriptures teach us of its incredible power. Christ taught that if we have faith the size of a mustard seed we could move mountains (Matthew 17:20). A mustard seed is very small, about the size of a tip of a pin. If that amount of faith can move a mountain, think about what would be possible if we fully embodied faith in our lives.

Russell M. Nelson in an 2008 Liahona article teaches, “Having faith in [Jesus Christ] means relying completely on Him—trusting in His infinite power, intelligence and love. It includes believing His teachings. It means believing that even though we do not understand all things, He does.”

Elder Nelson goes on to say, “You exercise faith in Christ when you have (1) an assurance that He exists, (2) a correct idea of His character, and (3) a knowledge that you are striving to live according to His will.”

I love that Elder Nelson says that we need to have a correct idea of Christ’s character in order to have faith in him. We know he is the embodiment of love, forgiveness, charity, patience and mercy because of the New Testament. We can further come to a sure knowledge of his character by building our own personal relationship with him by being his disciple.

I find it much easier to put my faith in something or someone that I am familiar with. Joseph Smith taught that faith is often preceded by a bit of knowledge and that through the act of faith we come to have a greater knowledge.

We talk a lot about faith, but I find it difficult to apply this principle to my life when trials and opposition come into my life. In his book, Promptings or Me, Kevin Hinckley uses Peter’s experience of walking on the water as an example of how hard it is to hold our faith when we feel opposition. As you may recall, the apostles are crossing the Sea of Galilee. Christ has stayed behind to pray. A terrible storm comes that threatens the apostle’s little boat. They become very afraid and just when they think all is lost, they see someone coming towards them.

Christ calls to them saying “Be of good cheer, it is I; be not afraid.” Peter responds and says, if it be your will, bid me come.  Christ says come. Peter steps out onto the water and, like Christ, begins to walk upon the water. The winds get worse which frightens Peter.  He begins to sink and calls out to Christ for help. Immediately, Christ stretches forth his hand, catches Peter, and says, “O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?” (Matthew 14:31).

Now, you may hear this story and interpret it as the time Peter tried to walk on water but failed.  But I challenge you that he did not fail. He did actually walk on water, which was a miracle of physics and faith. It was when the storm got worse that Peter doubted and began to sink. How often has that happened in your life? You step out in faith and then things get worse so you begin to doubt? You begin to sink?

Here’s where this story has the greatest advantage to be applicable in our lives, if we do what Peter did and reach out to the Lord all things can be restored.

Furthermore, I do not believe that Christ is admonishing Peter. I think he says - oh, you of little faith. Why did you doubt?  Did you not see what you are capable of when you have faith?

Through self-awareness we can come to know what it is we truly want and with faith we too can walk on water.

Lisa's Response

Liz,

This, too, is probably one of my most favorite essays!

It was detailed, honest, and well thought out. I love that you brought up the fact that this step implies that we will make mistakes and God already knows that!!!  In “How it Works,” which is part of the Big Book that is read at every meeting it states, “We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.”

This always gives me a sense of relief and especially helped me when I first got sober.

I, also, love that you bring up doubt and how our lives are truly contingent on our reliance on our higher power as well as our level of faith. These two things have everything to do with our free agency and little to do with God. Yet the paradox is that it has everything to do with God too, if that makes sense.

We are the creators in the outcome…if we live in faith, we open to the flow of all that seems impossible. If we live in doubt, we sink, just as you said. But that isn’t God forcing, that it is our decision. I, too, believe that awareness is the antidote to so many of our human behaviors.

I love you so much!!

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Conversing Sisters: Step 8, Making Our Lists

Me & Lisa, circa 2009

This post is part of a series of writings I did with my sister Lisa, in 2012. Our thoughts and perspectives reflect a moment in time. They may or may not have changed in the passing years.

Step 8: "Made a list of all people we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."

Lisa's Thoughts  

Traditionally in AA, this step is worked through accessing your original 4th step. Everyone who was listed on your 4th step, now becomes your 8th step. I was fortunate enough not to know this the first time I worked the steps. It came completely unexpectedly. However, after working steps 5, 6, & 7, I could absolutely see that I had a part in all of my resentments. So, it made sense that I too owed an amends to many of the people I believed had wronged me for so many years.  In addition to those listed on my 4th step, I also added those who were innocently affected by my drinking career. People who I didn’t resent, yet I felt guilt and shame as a result of my behavior with them.

Step 8 was the beginning of true freedom for me.

Although I felt a level of cleanliness with the other steps, when I began to make right my wrongs true freedom from guilt and shame began to seep in. This is the step that allowed me to list people like my children, Liz and Veronica. People that I was never angry with, yet my actions had caused a great deal of harm.

I was anxious to work this step and Step 9 so I could begin living without fear, or so I thought. What I didn’t realize was Steps 8 & 9 are lifelong processes that never end. There are still several people on my original 8th and 9th step that I have not yet had the opportunity to make amends with. However, I do know when the universe aligns it will provide the opportunity just at the right time. It always seems to work that way.

Making the list was easy, becoming willing was difficult with a few people - my ex-husband, for example. However, with much prayer for willingness it came within a short amount of time, and I genuinely felt love, forgiveness and compassion, for even him - and a willingness to clean up my side of the street.

I have found with Step 8, if there is a person I am struggling to make an amends to, I simply pray for that person for two weeks to have everything I have ever wanted and more. Usually, within a few days the willingness comes along with acceptance, and once again I am moved to peace and serenity.

It is not a requirement to make an amends to everyone on your 4th step. Especially those who truly hurt you such as child abuse and things like that. However, I found a whole new level of freedom within myself when I became willing to make an amends to even those people. Not for their actions but for my actions following any circumstance, even if it was sending them negative energy, or for being in a state of unforgiving for any amount of time.

This is a wonderful preparation step for Step 9 and much needed in my opinion. Step 9 takes on a whole new emotional storm - the habit of praying for others and taking a look at my only my part is crucial in moving forward.

Liz’s Response 

Lisa,

It always comes back to the one thing we can control – our behavior.

Another paradox – when living in the shadow, our behavior is the last thing we want to take ownership of. We try and control everything else, but when we take ownership of our behavior and nothing else, we experience an abundance of peace, healing and possibilities.

Love you & hope you are doing much better.

Liz's Thoughts  

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the interconnectedness of humanity. We are all so deeply connected in a myriad of ways that it is inevitable that our actions will affect at least one other, if not multiple people. We are fooling ourselves if we believe that our actions only affect us. Even the most private of decisions have a ripple effect. We are responsible for the ripples we send out into the world, and when those ripples cause destruction we must make an amends.

I recently saw a reading of Everybody in the Gene Pool by Stephen Mo Hanan. It explores this very idea. It's set in heaven and the principal character, a woman, is just minutes from being born on Earth. There's a Guide giving her last minute advice and preparing her for her new life. As the play continues, we learn that this woman has already lived on Earth as a man and is being reincarnated. It is necessary for her to be reincarnated because in her previous life she caused a tremendous amount of pain to humanity through acts of violence and torture. The God of this play is requiring her to go back and make amends by bringing light and love into the world in order to restore balance. Love is the restorative act. Anything that has been damaged can be made whole through love. 

However, we have to be willing to own our actions and see with true eyes what it is we have done in order to bring about healing. I’ve found that the more I see humanity’s interconnectedness, and continue to enlarge my capacity for compassion and empathy, the more willing I am to take accountability for my actions.  When I’m able to humble myself to this state than love is the natural response.

Lisa's Response

Liz,

I love that you talk about the interconnectedness between humans and the ripple effect we have intentionally or not.  When you were describing that play I was wondering if someone had written it about me...lol. JK.

But I do wonder about that sometimes. I believe that there are no accidents or coincidences. Everything and everyone is an opportunity to choose love or not. If I choose not, than there will be an amends at some point. 

Love you!

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